This week I had an especially hard conversation with someone. The majority of the conversation had to happen by email, which I almost never do, but it was a good reminder that words are incredibly important, and choosing the wrong ones could destroy your business and your reputation.
Written vs. Verbal Communication
I’ve always been much better at written communication than verbal. My brain moves too fast sometimes, and the words I want to use are not always the words that I should be using. When I write, it’s much easier for me to think cautiously and protect my words—ensuring I’m saying exactly what I mean to say. Yes, that often means I’m much more long-winded than I’d like, but I believe clear communication often means thorough communication.
That said, when we’re speaking to people in person or through video, there are some clear advantages. They can see your body language, tone and facial expressions. While this often helps clarify our intention, it can be really hard if awkward pauses are not your thing. In fact, awkward pauses are so far from my thing that I’ve been known to say, “Are you still there?” when one occurs.
Obviously in person, it’s easier to see if someone is just ruminating on what you’ve said versus if they’re stunned or at a loss for words. You can also often see their expressions to know if they’re just being a good listener, focused on what you’re saying, rather than forming their words as they’re listening to you. However, this becomes a disadvantage when you’re talking to someone like me. The awkward pauses are so awkward, in fact, that I find myself continuing to talk even though I was done. It’s like I just need to fill the space to make it less weird, which never works. (When will I learn that??)
Even worse is when the conversation is moving at a striking pace. My brain moves quickly, but I’m the first to tell you that everything that comes to my mind should not be said. Sometimes something comes to my brain, and I myself don’t fully agree with it. When I notice this happening, I actually find myself feeling a bit paralyzed. Everything I want to say shouldn’t be said, and I have a hard time thinking of what I should say.
I’m sure experts would say there’s a chemical reaction happening in my brain as emotions and logic battle with each other.
Reflecting on Miscommunication
For a lot of reasons, this is why I prefer to write things out. If you’ve followed my blogs for a while, you know I never recommend handling difficult conversations via email. This particular situation was not with a customer, but rather a professional peer. I was not comfortable enough to pick up the phone and call, so I emailed. I was very careful with the words I was using and re-read my email several times before hitting “send.”
However, the reply I received back was in a different tone than the email I had sent. It was fueled by frustration and anger, and it was evident I had struck a nerve.
I re-read my initial email a few times to see if I was missing something. Was my tone off? Did I use words that would have triggered the reader?
After several re-reads, I believed I had not written the initial email in a way that warranted the response I received. Nevertheless, I felt compelled to fix the situation. I stressed over it for about an hour. Obsessive to fix things? Yes! That’s 100% who I am, and I write this because I know some of you are the same way. Overanalyzers unite!
It was only after my husband Justin came home and talked through the situation with me that I gained a clearer perspective. He has no problem telling me when I’m wrong. Between working together and owning multiple businesses, 12 years of marriage and four kids, his level of honesty is pretty transparent. The Johnstons have a way of telling it like it is …
Ultimately, I decided to reply back diplomatically and non-emotionally. It was again important that I choose my words carefully.
In the end, it all worked out—at least I think so. This isn’t someone I talk to on a daily basis and maybe see just twice a year. However, when I do see them, I can feel confident that I handled the conflict with kindness and professionalism.
I haven’t always been able to say that with written or verbal communication. Every time my 14-year-old talks back, I can practically hear my own 14-year-old voice in her. That voice lasted well into my 20s, and it took me until mid-30s to actually get a handle on it. Now it’s only with those I’m closest to that I sometimes find myself communicating in ways I later regret. So, how did I find this control?
Strategies For Careful Communication
If careful communication is something you’re struggling with, here are a few quick tips:
- Analyze past mistakes. I analyzed (dare I say “overanalyzed”) mistakes I made in the past. I thought about what it was that triggered me. I’m a writer, so there were even times I journaled about this to better understand the triggers that caused me to shift out of a professional mindset and into one of “I’m right, and I’m going to tell you exactly why.”
- Ask for feedback. I spoke to people who I had made mistakes with and asked them what specifically I had said that had triggered them. While I thought this would tell me more about them, I found it was more often a pattern of things I shouldn’t have said—things that moved circumstances from professional to personal. These were digs I made with the intention of pointing out a fact, but actually insulted their character. Instead of maintaining the professionalism of “This didn’t get done on time,” it turned into “You seem to never do things on time.” See what I mean? I wasn’t speaking to the facts, but instead to my opinion of those facts. You might be thinking, “Well, Danielle, sometimes it’s necessary to point out repeated behavior to make it stop.” I absolutely agree, but it’s much easier to do that by sticking to facts: “The last three times I’ve asked you to do XYZ (remind them of each specific instance), it was not done by the deadline I provided.” When you speak to the facts, it’s undeniable.
- Put yourself in their shoes. I tried hard to put myself in the other person’s shoes. I always tell people, “You are not a unicorn. You deal with the same things most gym owners deal with. Your gym is actually pretty normal.” However, I am a unicorn—kidding, but sort of not kidding. I only know a handful of people like me who are sometimes so driven that they put the mission over the people executing the mission. That said, when I was in the Air Force, my favorite commanders were those who cared most about the people, so much that their people wanted to do the mission and do it well. I previously struggled with putting myself in others’ shoes because “I needed time off” or “I needed to step away” were never valid excuses to me. However, learning more about others and their work styles has actually helped me understand why others need to step away, while I furiously finish a product and don’t blink until it’s done. (While that’s an exaggeration, I’m super thirsty right now, but I’m refusing to get something to drink until this blog is finished. 😂)
Maybe you’re nothing like me, and you’re always careful with your words. However, I speak to dozens of gym owners a week, and I know that’s likely not the case. Even the most professional of owners and coaches sometimes slip. We get angry, frustrated or scared, and our emotions take control. Just remember—the wrong words just one time can lose you customers, employees and respect. It’s crucial to spend 95% of the time earning respect so if you do use the wrong words 5% of the time, you’re more likely to be forgiven and given grace.
