Recently, I told you why I believe our gyms are so important based on my recent experience with high school tennis; however, there was something else that came out of that controversial experience that I learned as well: Most of the time when you have a difficult parent, they just want to be heard. They want you to listen and try to understand where they’re coming from.
I know in my “gym owner world,” the things parents get upset about are broad. It can be anywhere from missing an email and getting frustrated that we didn’t communicate thoroughly enough to coaches rescheduling too many practices to better accommodate high school cheer. It’s not often that a parent is upset with something and I think, “This is truly the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” In fact, I can’t remember the last time that I said that (though any of my coaches who read this will likely now remind me.) Despite the issue, I’ve always told other owners to just listen. That usually solves 80-90% of problems.
When Listening Isn’t Enough
However, when my daughter was dismissed from the tennis team a few weeks ago for a “lack of commitment” (you can read more about that here), I saw things from the other side. Sometimes listening isn’t enough—maybe it took me being the parent with the issue for me to see this.
I didn’t just have a bone to pick with the coach. I had a series of undeniable facts and wanted to see him reverse his course of action:
My daughter left tennis practice 30 minutes early to go to cheer practice (where she arrived 15 minutes late) each day. This provided equal time to both sports, which is allowed by the school policy.
We were told she lacked commitment with her practices. I pulled the calendar and counted two missed practices in the course of the month: One where she was given anesthesia for a dentist appointment and was excused by the school, and the other where they rescheduled practice to 6 p.m. due to heat, and she was already scheduled to coach at the gym. Both of which the coach replied, “No problem.”
The only matches my daughter ever missed were for football games where she was also cheering.
She had a rotator cuff injury that bothered her some days, so she sat out during some portions of practices where they focused more heavily on serving. The same injury didn’t bother her when holding poms and learning sideline cheers, so she never had to sit out of cheer. We were never asked for a doctor’s note, or I would have provided it.
She expressed hesitation in competing at her first tennis meet … a meet she was asked to play in after just four practices. She didn’t know the rules of the game yet, had no idea how to count or call score and technically wasn’t even eligible per state guidelines. She was given a “strike” for declining to play. Can you imagine a new cheerleader competing after just four practices and feeling confident?
Now, some of you might be tennis experts and think I’m a little crazy or that I used some terms wrong. I actually don’t know anything at all about tennis, and I think it’s one of the things that drove my daughter to want to play: “This is one of the few sports my mom can’t coach.” 🤷♀️
Nevertheless, I gathered my facts and prepared my email to the coach. I respected his decision to call me on the phone rather than reply to the email. I would have done the same. What I struggled with was when he went through my email point by point and said, “Yep, I can see what you’re saying here. We may have missed the mark on this,” and “Oh, my attendance records were definitely not up to date there,” and “I can understand with just two coaches and 35 girls how she might have lacked some confidence.” To each point, he essentially let me speak and then affirmed what I was saying.
By the end of the call, I was convinced he’d apologize and extend an invitation back onto the team. Though my daughter expressed she likely wouldn’t want to rejoin as she was released in front of the rest of the team at a meet, I felt the invitation would have been the right move to make after recognizing all the errors. At no point did the coach disagree. In fact, he thanked me for doing the research and pointing out these facts. He was a great listener, and I respected his time by not overtalking (which I tend to do out of nervousness).
In the end, I let there be a long pause. His response: “Thank you for your candor.” These are the moments I struggle with. My brain said, “OK, but this is not Divergent. What happens next?” Instead, I said, “So, where do we go from here?” He said, “We definitely would like to invite her to try out again next year if she can give our team more commitment.”
I was truly stunned. I mean, it takes a lot to silence me, and I didn’t have a clue how to respond to that.
Beyond Listening: Taking Action
So, here’s where I bring it back to you, gym owners: If at any point a parent has all the right information to show you respectfully that you made mistakes, they’re looking for something more than listening. Quite honestly, if that’s the case, you owe it to them.
A parent emailed me earlier to tell me the page where you buy showcase tickets didn’t have a day or time for showcase on it. Wow, she’s absolutely right. Her family went to buy tickets and was confused. Could I have said, “It’s in your email”? Sure. But why would I do that when she pointed out something I missed? That’s my mistake. The day and time should be all over that page where you buy tickets. Do you think that parent wanted me to just say, “I understand your concern …”? No! The parent is telling you because they’re expecting you to fix it. They want to see change.
If a parent tells you they’re frustrated you took their child out of tumbling, listen to their concerns. For example:
You weren’t clear on the deadline by which they needed to be consistently throwing the skills.
You weren’t clear on your expectation of the word “consistently” (is 7/10 enough or do you expect 10/10?).
You didn’t explain that this skill needed to be hit along with all other tumbling, tosses, stunts, pyramid, jumps and dance.
You didn’t speak to both the parent and the athlete at least 2-3 weeks in advance with some warning of what would happen if they weren’t consistently hitting.
If you didn’t do those things, most likely, you were in the wrong. If so, that parent doesn’t just want to be heard. They want to know, “So, where do we go from here?”
I hope you’ll give them a better answer than I got. It no longer matters that this tennis coach had great communication the first week of practices. It doesn’t matter that he replied to my questions within a few hours most days. It doesn’t matter that he was respectful and polite on the phone. What ended up mattering most to me was that he didn’t care enough to take action and make an unjust situation fair again.
It takes courage and humility to say, “I was wrong.” It takes guts and earns my respect every day.
Be the owner who earns the respect because you’re willing to admit when you were wrong. Listen … but also take action.
